sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize