If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
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