His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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