Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
