How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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