my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
