I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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