Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Randomize
