Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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