That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
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The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
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Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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