It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
