Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
