mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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