the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
