please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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