At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I have fence marks all over my body
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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