Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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