No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
