Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
