You just made me feel so damn special
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
