fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
