Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
