Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
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THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
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The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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