is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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