It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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