When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
