i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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