I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Randomize
