I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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