3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
