I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
