I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
