Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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