I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
