nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
