i wish my penis had a tongue
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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