I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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