you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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