i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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