i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
