I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
