I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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