In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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