Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
