WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
