i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
