OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
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