I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
