you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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