chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
