i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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