I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
