you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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