just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
