So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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