why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
