What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
