it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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