Just mADE A PArabola og urine
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
